


Little Munchkin

by DuschaPendragon



Series: The Thirteen Tales [5]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas Time, Gen, Ramsay is a child, Ramsay is his own warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 09:00:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2845400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DuschaPendragon/pseuds/DuschaPendragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cersei and Jaime Lannister want to adopt a child. They go to Kingsland orphanage to find their perfect one. Fortunately, there has been a new arrival and he seems to be perfect; sweet, polite, quiet. His name? Ramsay.<br/>What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Munchkin

**Author's Note:**

> This work is based on the short film 'Little Munchkin' which is my favourite Christmas film.  
> As you will soon see, it's pretty fucked up.

 

The Bentley slid through the darkness and crawled to a halt without making a sound. The security light flickered on, bathing the driveway in a pool of white light. Warmer lights glowed in the windows of the orphanage. It could almost be considered as welcoming had it not been for the cold grey stone the building was constructed of and the high walls, trimmed with barbed wire, which surrounded it.  
The golden-haired man got out of the car first, then came the golden-haired lady. She looked up at the building and wrinkled her nose. “Some people have no taste.” Cersei Lannister sneered. Her brother smiled. “This way, wife.” She slipped her hand into the warm crook of his elbow and allowed him to lead her up the steps. A tattered set of Christmas lights had been strung up and wrapped around the pillars on the porch but most of the bulbs had gone and no one had bothered to fully untangle the wires. Cersei wrinkled her nose. Jaime looked amused and pulled on the chain. They could hear the doorbell clang on the other side, echoing down the empty halls. Cersei touched Jaime’s arm and he turned to face her. “I can’t believe it.” He said as she adjusted his collar and tie. “It’s all happened so quickly, this Christmas present.” He looked around, a little anxious.  
“I know.” Cersei replied, pursing her lips together. “I’m a little nervous.” She admitted. Jaime looked at her and raised his eyebrows, surprised. “Birthday parties. Baby chinos. All the joys of parenthood.” Her green eyes glittered with excitement. Jaime leaned in to kiss his sister full on the lips…  
“Hello.” Came a severe voice.  
He stepped back. They both looked towards the door and saw a stout, plump woman with a face as severe as her voice watching them. “I’m Septa Mordane. Mrs Lannister we spoke on the phone.” The words were brisk but the voice never changed pitch.  
“Yes, hello. This is my husband, Mr Lannister.” Cersei grasped Jaime’s arm and turned him to face Septa Mordane. The old Septa didn’t bat an eyelid, despite how much they resembled each other. “Nice to meet you, Septa.” Jaime said, mimicking the Septa’s stern voice. Mordane’s lip quivered slightly. “Follow me. The children are waiting.” She ordered, turning her back on them and leading the way into the orphanage. Cersei looked at her brother, amused by the Septa’s lip quiver, then they followed her inside, looking around at the dark and dingy halls. There were no decorations that indicated what time of year it was, not so much as a sad string of tinsel. Septa Mordane continued talking as she made her way through the house. “Some of the children aren’t as disciplined as we’d have liked. I will point those ones out to you.”  
“That’s really not necessary. We’d like to choose for ourselves.” Cersei challenged. She always knew what she wanted and she always got it too. “We like to think we are very open minded.” Cersei finished with a small snarl at Septa Mordane. She looked up at Jaime and smiled tightly. The stout Septa clapped sharply. Two sharp claps that set off a rumbling sound. It took a moment for Mr and Mrs Lannister to realise that the rumbling was, in fact, footsteps. The children filed out of a hallway to their right in a neat line. Each one clasped a suitcase in their left hand, the girls had a teddy bear tucked beneath their right armpit. They lined up against the wall and stared straight ahead, as though it were a military drill. Jaime marvelled at their skill and obedience. There were six of them; two boys, two girls of various ages. On closer inspection, they were fiddling with the hems of their skirts or trying to slide hands into pockets with the utmost discretion. They were a scruffy lot too, despite their impressive military-style entrance. “Are these all the children?” Jaime asked incredulously.  
“Yes.” The Septa replied curtly.  
“And you say that they are from all backgrounds?”  
“That’s correct.” The Septa’s face showed no sign of irritation. Jaime looked at Cersei. Cersei looked at Jaime. They had driven too far to go away empty handed. Think of the amount they had to pay for enough petrol just to get there! They stepped towards the first child; a small thing with brown hair and some sort of eczema on her face. Cersei wrinkled her nose in disgust. She’d never seen grey eczema before. They didn’t even ask for the girl’s name before moving onto the next one.  
This one had brown hair too which looked like it hadn’t seen a brush for days. She looked up at them, meeting each set of green eyes. Jaime liked the challenge in them. “And your name is?” He asked.  
“Arya.” She smiled what she had hoped was an endearing smile.  
“Ugh!” Cersei exclaimed when she saw the missing teeth. “Not really what we were looking for.” She snarled, leading her husband past the ugly little girl. Arya drooped her head, defeated. They stopped at the next one.  
“That one is Sansa. She’s a pretty girl, very hygienic.” Septa Mordane informed. Sansa smiled sweetly up at them, showing her full set of pearly-white teeth. “We couldn’t possibly have a ginger.” Cersei dismissed her with a wave of her hand. “We don’t want a girl, do we darling?” The blond woman said, turning to her husband. “No.” Jaime agreed immediately. _So much for open-minded_ thought Septa Mordane. They moved on without even looking at the fourth girl. “Do you have any in black?” Cersei asked. Septa Mordane nodded her head towards the end of the line-up. “That one is Jon.” Cersei looked him up and down.  
“You see, my problem is that our new lounge is cream and I was thinking more of a chocolate brown.” The boy’s face seemed to droop, he was clearly very upset by the rejection. “He’s too miserable-looking anyway. I can’t stand the emo-look.” Jaime added. They moved on to the last in the line.  
The boy had a crown of golden hair and smiled a charming smile. The Septa told them his name was Joffrey. “You are adorable!” Cersei exclaimed, delighted. He smiled up at them, eyes shining with excitement at the prospect of getting a home. “But you clash with my new sofa.” Cersei added after second thoughts. Joffrey’s smile dropped and he bit back tears. “I told you we should have done this before getting the sofa!” Cersei hissed to her brother. Jaime just nodded. “Is there anything else you had in mind?” Septa Mordane asked through gritted teeth. Cersei gave Jaime an exasperated look. _Some people_. Jaime shook his head and the Septa gave two more sharp claps. The children shuffled off with their tales between their legs. Another day, perhaps.  
“We want something with a little…individuality…something…unique.” Was the word Cersei settled on eventually. Husband and wife began to make their way back to the front door. “Just a moment!” Septa Mordane sprang forward with sudden enthusiasm. She grabbed Cersei by the upper arm to prevent her from going any further. “I think I have the one you’re looking for. This one is certainly unique.” The Septa hurried past her now-intrigued customers and into a small side room.  
The boy looked up from his game of mousetrap; pale eyes shining in the darkness. Without a word, he jumped down from his place at the table and made his way over to her. He looked up. He smiled. Ramsay was their newest arrival. His father had dropped him off only last week and the clothes were still clean and well-fitting.  
Septa Mordane led the way out and he followed, stopping when she put a hand on his shoulder.  
Both sets of green eyes sparkled with fascination. They didn’t even notice when Septa Mordane moved to stand behind them. The boy was around eight years old, fair skinned with curly, dark brown locks. But his eyes were what made him unique. “Interesting.” Cersei pouted, checking him over. Ramsay smiled shyly under the critical gaze. “I see what you mean. Very…European.” She finished, smiling. “Darling. I want this one!” She announced, turning to Jaime.  
“Excellent. Will that be cash or card?” Septa Mordane asked.  
Jaime Lannister thrust his credit card into the air as a knight would a Valyrian steel sword.

It was a full moon and the world was turned into a silver wonderland as the car cruised down the empty roads. Ramsay sat on the backseat, gazing in silent wonderment at the shining world outside. If he thought the world shone outside, he must’ve been blinded momentarily when he entered the Lannister residence. Jaime opened the door and allowed the young boy through first. Ramsay’s jaw dropped at the sight of the lush furnishings and golden ornaments. Cersei and Jaime watched him for a moment, marvelling at how well behaved he was. _How did such a good little boy end up in an orphanage?_  Jaime wondered. Some people could be such monsters. “This is your new home.” Cersei announced proudly. Ramsay continued to gape at the exquisite interior design. “How do you like it Ramsay?” Jaime asked.  
“I love it. It’s perfect.” The boy replied, smiling his sweet smile.  
The doorbell clanged.  
“That must be the baby sitter.” Jaime informed, turning and retracing his footsteps to the front door.  
“Ah! Yes, silly me! I forgot to mention. Mummy and daddy will be attending a mummy and daddy _only_ party tonight.” Cersei said haughtily, looking down her nose at her newest purchase.  
“Mrs Lannister, you are looking divine!” A handsome young man with soft brown curls entered the room. Cersei did her best to hide her disdain as Loras Tyrell leaned in and kissed her on each cheek. The overwhelming scent of his flowery perfume made her gag. “As usual!” Loras added. Cersei laughed a little to appease him. “Why thank you! Ramsay, say hello to Loras.” Cersei ordered.  
“Hello Loras.” Ramsay smiled up at him.  
“If he gets a little excitable there are some sleeping tablets in the cupboard above the sink.” Jaime told Loras.  
“Come on darling, let’s go.” Cersei barked, giving her husband a rough shove to get him out of the door. Loras moved to stand in front of Ramsay, leaning forward so he was at eye level. “Now, what should we do first?” Loras asked sweetly, encouraging the shy little boy out of his shell.  
“Let’s play a game. Hide and go seek?” Ramsay squeaked excitedly.  
“Great! Who goes first?”  
“I’ll hide. You try and find me.” Ramsay dared.  
“Well then I guess we’d better get started!” Loras grinned. He covered his eyes.

The home of the Lannister’s was big. A vast mansion with so many rooms that several looked identical, as though the interior designer had run out of fresh ideas.  
Loras began his search on the first floor. He had heard the little munchkin climb the staircase. This was the child’s first night in his new home. The boy was so timid, Loras doubted he would hide far from where he knew. Loras, on the other hand, knew the house well. Despite his family’s lucrative supermarket chain, his mum and dad were surprisingly stingy when it came to giving him money. They believed their children had to work for what they got in order for them to learn about the ‘real world’. Loras, unlike his sister who sponged off of everyone else by looking pretty, worked his arse off. Mr and Mrs Lannister had proved to be very useful in this regard. He cleaned their house for them whenever they asked (at five gold dragons a room, he could hardly refuse) he also house sat for them whenever they went away on holiday. He had also decorated their house for Christmas; Cersei was always complimenting him on his style and was always trying to convince him to go into fashion or interior design.  
Now, however, even the décor couldn’t make the place less sinister.  
The silence was deafening. Loras jumped at every dark corner and never took his eyes off of them until he was safely away. “Ready or not…hear I come!” He called, hoping for an answer; a scuffle, a giggle. Anything. To his dismay, the boy gave him nothing. Loras looked in every room. In one of the many lounges, he grew so anxious, he considered picking up a poker from one of the fire places.  
Once he was sure Ramsay wasn’t on the first floor, he made his way cautiously onto the second. The house grew colder, and only more terrifying, as he climbed. As he headed down the corridor, he could have sworn he heard footsteps behind him. When he turned around, the corridor was empty. He kept his eyes on the staircase, expecting to see a set of grey eyes peering out at him. There were none.  
The footsteps came again, once again from behind him. He span around, faster this time, yet the hallway remained empty. Loras continued on down it, half hoping to hear the footsteps again and half hoping he didn’t. He wondered into one of the rooms, then another, then another. Soon enough, he forgot how many doorways he had passed through and the only thing he could hear was his sharp, panicked breathing and his heart hammering against his chest.  
He never spotted the young boy in the doorway.  
Ramsay stared at him for a time, then disappeared once again.  
Loras turned to look at the doorway, swearing he had seen a figure. He took a few deep breaths to try and calm himself. “Get a grip.” He muttered to himself. “Loras, just get a hold of yourself. It’s only a game.” He reminded himself. Steeling his nerves, he headed into one of the bedrooms and breathed a sigh of relief when he recognised it. It had been decorated recently, ready for the arrival of the new purchase. Loras decided he would wait here awhile. Young boys grew bored quickly. No doubt Ramsay was just trying to play a trick. Loras moved over to the mirror. His hair had become messy. Had he run his hands through it in his panic?  
When Ramsay moved behind him, he almost leapt out of his skin.  
The boy was sitting amongst a pile of teddies, half hidden beneath them. “Found you!” Loras exclaimed, relieved. Ramsay didn’t move. Not so much as a flinch. “Ramsay?” Loras called. Still nothing. The little boy was staring at nothing, a vacant expression on his face, still as a rock. Sitting amongst the teddy bears, he looked like a doll. For an absurd moment, Loras wondered if he _was_ one; that Mr and Mrs Lannister had had a doll made that looked just like him. But that was impossible…  
Loras took a step forward. Then another. And another.  
He reached out a hand…  
“Boo!” Ramsay cried, sitting up amongst the teddies. Loras leapt back, gasping for breath. Then he smiled and started to laugh. Ramsay smiled too. Loras closed his eyes, clutching his chest in an attempt to still his panicked heart. “Seven hells Ramsay! You scared the Stranger out of me!” He laughed.  
When he opened his eyes, Ramsay had gone.  
Loras stared long and hard at the space where Ramsay had been _seconds_ ago. Had it been seconds? Loras was no longer sure. In a desperate attempt to reassure himself, he knelt down and began to claw his way through the teddies, hoping against hope that Ramsay had hidden himself amongst them.  
When he clawed the wall, Loras sat back on his haunches. When he felt a light fluttering of a child’s breath on his neck, he knew he had no time to hide.

Loras tried to slide his hands out. When that failed, he began to claw at the ends of the rope, trying to loosen them somehow. His attempts to free himself only seemed to make the bonds tighten. Tied to the chair, he was at eye level with Ramsay. The eight year old stared at him, smiling. Ramsay leaned in so close that Loras could have bitten his little nose off had the strip of tape not been covering his mouth. It did not stop him from trying to scream. A bead of sweat trickled down his temple as Ramsay’s sweet smile widened. “I’m afraid this is going to hurt Loras. It’s going to hurt quite a lot.” The boy assured. Loras’ muffled screams grew louder when the boy revealed the kitchen knife he had hidden behind his back.

It was way past midnight when Jaime and Cersei stumbled into their house. Cersei, as usual, had drunken too much resulting in numerous arguments and numerous new enemies made. Jaime had also drunken his fair share to make the night go by quicker and easier. As they drunkenly stumbled over their threshold they were greeted by singing coming from the lounge. “Yummy, yummy, yummy, I’ve got love in my tummy.” Ramsay sang, as sweet as a girl. They followed the song. When Ramsay spotted them, he swallowed the mouthful of his meal and smiled welcomingly. “Well look at you my little munchkin! You’ve got food all over your face!” Cersei laughed.  
When they spotted the body, the brother and the sister began to scream.  
Startled by the sound, Ramsay began to desperately push the entrails back into his babysitters’ open stomach, trying to ignore the urge to pull off just one more strand of stringy flesh and stuff it in his mouth before they could see. “Oops!” He gurgled to himself as the screams continued.

The boy sat on the floor beside the sofa. Cersei and Jaime stared into nothing, shocked and sickened by what they had witnessed. When he thought no one was looking, Ramsay picked at the small pieces of innards that had stuck to his hands. When all of them were gone, he began to suck the blood off of his fingers. The adults didn’t even notice. “I know what we’ll do.” Jaime announced, pulling off his leather gloves. “We’ll return him.” He said, reaching for the phone.  
Ramsay looked up at him mournfully. He liked his new home.  
Cersei watched him as he returned to sucking the blood off of his fingers.  
“Hello, Kingsland Orphanage.” Came Septa Mordane’s stern tone.  
“Hello, this is Mr Lannister. We bought Ram…”  
“Oh yes. How can I help? Is there a problem?” The Septa asked.  
“Is there a problem…” Jaime repeated, meeting Ramsay’s pleading gaze. He paused. “Well…um…” Looking into those unique grey eyes, he found he couldn’t say the words.  
Cersei snatched the phone from his grasp before her weak-hearted husband could hang up.  
“Yes there bloody well is a problem. He ate the babysitter.” She informed. Ramsay chewed his lip guiltily. “We’re bringing him back.” Cersei announced.  
“I’m afraid that is not possible. We work under a strict no returns, no exchange policy.”  
“Now you listen to me…”  
“No you listen hear Mrs Lannister.” Septa Mordane cut in. Cersei could hear the smile in her voice. “A child is for life, not just for Christmas.” Ramsay smiled triumphantly when he heard the phone line go dead.  
 

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas everyone!  
> If you're going out partying and have children, you may want to make sure your child will not eat the babysitter.  
> Please adopt responsibly.


End file.
